Published November 6, 2009
A low hung sky
The flames snarled at the twigs,
and tore at the bark,
but didn’t give enough light to see other faces.
A forest of twigs and branches,
as we made our way along the path.
Concentration was array,
And our steps were slurred and speech dry.
Seized by the hoodie,
Grabbed by the hair.
The ground was harder than them.
Several Blows. The fire was out,
and only the river ran by.
Screams were trepid,
Footsteps were scarce,
All that was there was time.
Claws into a tree trunk,
arms like a motor,
My mouth was anything but dry.
Spitting and struggling as I inched away,
there was no moon that night.
Grass is longer,
Field more open,
my arms slung over shoulders.
Hurried away like a secret,
Sky hanging low tonight.
Pavements were damp,
Distant music thudded.
Streets arrived one by one.
Finally we were home.
Smiling faces, warmth and the dry,
Closing the door on a low hung sky.
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141,437 Literary Works • 674,445 Reviews
I wish I had more time right now to give a proper review, but I had to take a few seconds to let you know that I loved this!
Hello there!
Huh?Wow you are very descriptive! What I'm amazed at is that you described so much that I don't understand the story. All I understand is that there was somebody hurting the character and then the character was safe. Tell us what happened!
Okay, so the character was scared right? Show it! Give us something to grasp. Tell how the character was sweating in fear, or that he/she was shaking. Also, you keep adding in irreverent details that throw us off.
Darling, I can see that you have an incredible talent. You just need a little nudge here and there. This poem has very good potential, you just need to make the story more clear.
If you have any questions, pm me!
Emma.
Hi.
I actually like your poem.
I like the description that you give.
The flames snarled at the twigs...
I just don't get the story behind your poem. what happened? Are you lost in a forest?
Maybe this may just me, but I don't really get the story.
I get and love the point you make at the end of the story though: The way you describe home.
I know. I am a sucker for descriptive language.^^
I don't know, but maybe you want to change your tense to present tense.
As in: Finally we ARE home...
But all in all I liked it. You still have a bit of work before you, but I thing your thinking is absolutely on the right track.
=)